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2004-08-03 - 1:37 p.m.

I knew within about 30 seconds what I wanted to write back to Annie. It wasn't about whether or not to hold grudges, or whether to forgive her, or even which bits of the song she sent were relevant or anything like that. I mean I could have taken "I just can't get rid of you like you got rid of me" as another one of Annie's delusions and her having a go at me but I didn't. Things like popping into my dreams every so often I could just relate to too much and it was comfoting to know that the same went for her, while "I'm sending you my best, cause God knows you've seen my worse" is a more mature sentiment than I've heard from her in a long time.

But the main thing was that I said all that I needed to say a year ago, in terms of all the bad stuff. I'm happy that after all that she wanted to make contact. Because I'm not the same as I was back then. I don't hold onto every nice moment as the be all and end all only to be crushed when it turns sour on me. I still want to be around somewhere, even as an acquaintace who emails a couple of times a year, to see her defeat her demons because I think she will- and based on the conversations I've had with people like Mark, Ken and Sally I think she's on her way- and I can even tell that from the brief contact I've had with her in the last week (which was more than just that one email, as I'll get to).

So I sent a song back to her, knowing that it was possible to misinterpret it, take it the wrong way, but not really minding because it said what I wated to say. In a nutshell- what now? Are we breaking down our wall of silence in any sort of meaningful way or did we just both need to know the other was still around?

_______________________________________________________________________________

Darling wind the window down- I can't breathe

And I want to feel the northerly down my sleeve

I love a sunburnt elbow pointing in the breeze

And darling can't you find us something on the radio?

A song to pass the time- sweet and slow

Conversation was forsaken long ago

It's getting worse

You've hardly said a word

Since you set eyes on the horizon

But I've seen the other side

Of that ocean there

And it can't compare

Has it really been a year?

How did those days just disappear?

We held our breath across each bridge

'Til we were blue

But I wonder if I wished the same as you

Like a ten year old pretending

Summer isn't really ending

It's getting worse

You've hardly said a word

Since you set eyes on the horizon

But I've seen the other side

Of that ocean there

And it can't compare- to this

So I'll steal another kiss

Before the sun goes down

On this fibro town

And we give give chase

Like all those other days

I suppose it's no surprise

We drive, time flies

Has it really been a year?

Where the hell do we go from here?

_______________________________________________________________________________

The last line was a bit more negative than what I wanted the tone of my email to be, but there was something more important I wanted to say, because I thought my chance had passed this year. I took it as a sign that she was completely in the past but it's funny how things kind of come around full circle.

"Is it too late to wish you a belated happy birthday?"

 

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