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2003-04-05 - 1:10 p.m.

I don't want to talk to Jane about Annie anymore. We've both moved on from her, and as sad as that is I want to just leave it all behind me entirely so that nothing can take away from what we had. The Annie that I've lost and the Annie that Jane has lost are different, and both of them are (needless to say) different to the Annie that neither of us wants to know anymore. The more we talk about it, the more it takes away from what Annie *did* mean to both of us, because she only revealed what she wanted us to see, and putting different pieces of the puzzle together and getting the big picture is not what either of us wants, we'd rather keep what she meant to us.

You see the side of Annie that has taken over now has always existed, but I rarely, if ever saw it. It's upsetting to think that at a time when I considered her my closest friend I only saw part of her, but at the same time I'm glad, because I didn't want to see the other side of her. What Annie was to me was a result of the side of her that I brought out, so the fact that she was someone else around other people didn't really matter. Well it does, it kinda shows me that I'm making the right decision by walking away, because she was never completely honest to anyone and at times I meant virtually nothing to her. But at other times I meant everything to her and she meant everything to me, and I accept that it was only really a part of her and not a whole person that I was friends with, that I was in love with, and while that's no longer enough it was once, and I just want to keep those memories and not question everything she ever said to me and everything we ever did.

In the 18 or so months since I broke up with Ellie our friendship went through a rollercoaster ride and is now as strong as it's ever been. But in my mind the moment I broke up with her, even as we were working out where we were, our relationship as it was became like a wrapped up parcel, nothing that was happening afterwards to me took away from what we had. I know it wasn't the same for her, and events during and after our breakup tarnished her view of what we had to some extent, but I still feel the same. My point being I can be up and down with Ellie, we can be at each others throats or best of friends and it doesn't change what we had. I can't stay friends with Annie because the more I find out about her and the more she hurts me the more it takes away from what our friendship was. If it was simply that the more I tried to stay friends with her the less I wanted to stay friends with her it would be okay (and believe me that is how it is), but the issue is that the longer this goes on, the more our friendship is eroded in both directions along a time line.

I guess it's no surprise given how much I dwell on the past that I also have the philosophy that no matter what happens now or in the future, nothing can take away from the past. It works both ways, because I guess the seeds of regret are sown from the knowledge that nothing I can do can change something in the past that I regret, but essentially the philosophy is positive and constructive in dealing with things. Those ideals are important to me and this stuff with Annie is challenging them. Because the present is taking away from the past.

The last time I saw Annie I hugged her goodbye like nothing had changed, it was kinda moving and I got a lovely email from her the next day. I want that to be the wrapping on the package. I want to close the lid because I don't like what's getting in and I don't like what's getting out. I've never done this before, but I honestly don't want to see her or hear from her or even hear what she's doing anymore. And I know that's not going to work exactly, and besides I'd like to hear from time to time that's she's okay, but I want to close the book, and I'll open it from time to time but I don't want to add to it anymore.

I've come to the conclusion that I've come to the conclusion.


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