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2003-04-02 - 10:29 p.m.

I get very thingy about things. That's the most profound thing I've said in a long time right? Ellie and Cindy will know what I mean, especially after reding this. I got a bit thingy tonight because Jane insinuated that I must have met a lot of her friends at "all those parties" at her place, and she didn't realise that I'd only ever been to one. And it's kinda linked to the feeling of being left out of the loop early last year and hence not getting the chance to know Jane and others back then, at the same time as growing distant from Annie.

Then Jane felt bad because she'd upset me. So I wrote one of my ridiculously analytical emails to try to explain my head. Ellie and Cindy will *definitely* know what I mean...


I feel really bad about making such an issue of something so trivial as how many parties of yours I've been to. I know you said to tell you if something upset me, but it's kinda weird when I can't exactly work out what it is about it that upset me.

You explained it by saying that because I'm an important part of your life now it feels like I always was. I think in a way that kind of explains my perspective. It does feel like that a lot so it's kinda blah when I'm reminded that that isn't the case. Does that make sense? When I said something about not really being part of stuff and not seeing much of Annie you said "but they're my friends", but the point being that I only knew you through Annie, so because of all the blah stuff last year I feel like I didn't get the chance to get to know you back then and thus wasn't part of things, including meeting your friends.

You're going to get used to me thinking out loud :) Maybe that's why I occasionally get frustrated when you always have an answer because sometimes I need to think out loud and I'm not ready for an answer until I've thought it through a bit more. I talk myself in circles to those closest to me and nobody is closer to me than you.

I guess that's kinda why I asked you the question about if it was okay to be talking about stuff that I knew was okay to talk about- I get a little paranoid because I know full well that I repeat myself and go over and over the same things and I don't know if I've gauged how you take that yet.

The wanting to try drugs thing or more to the point constantly feeling insecure about leading a sheltered life is another example of something I've brought up on quite a few occasions with you, and I worry that you might think I'm obsessed but really it's just me thinking aloud. And the reason I think so much is because I'm unsure about just about everything. If I was 100% sure, for example, about wanting to try drugs it probably wouldn't be an issue, and if I was 100% sure that I never wanted to touch them it would be the same- but I have this conflict of "I want to be making an informed choice about how I lead my life", versus "I don't need to try that".

The regretting/ dwelling thing is something I'm trying really hard to work on. My mind can be pretty warped at times, it's like it's not enough to say "if I'm not happy with what I've done so far then change it", I start thinking eg "but 16-18 was when I was supposed to be finding out these things and that's a part of life I'll never experience", or "I should have travelled between Uni and getting a job when I had no commitments"- it's complete crap because for starters I wouldn't have been able to afford it (unless I start inventing jobs to regret not having in Uni that would have made it possible). And I'm not asking you to stop telling me that it's pointless to think these things, because essentially that's a natural reaction to someone saying such ridiculous things, but I just want you to understand that I already know how pointless it is, and that all I can do is live from here on in, but recognising something is only the first step to changing a thought process.

It's an automatic thing almost that when you tell me about things you've done in your past that I haven't I get this sense of missing something, it's not really who I want to be it isn't me it's just my mind that is confusing things (George Harrison paraphrase). You're always telling me what a wonderful person I am and how everything I've done up until now is a part of that, so I shouldn't regret stuff, and that means so much to me. I just want you to know that you're a wonderful person too and that there are a lot of things about us that are kinda polar opposites, and that only serves as an inspiration to me- how sure you are about yourself and everything, and how focused you always are.

When you tell me about going out and doing drugs every weekend I know full well I don't want to have lived that, but maybe it's the lack of shared experience thing that I was telling you about the other day that is what causes this "have I missed something" attitude. I'm so glad you're who you are now, which is maybe why I'm worried I'm dragging you into my little quest, because I don't want you to be someone you were because I like who you are and that's not really part of you anymore.

I hope I'm not freaking you out- this is just me thinking out loud. I write like this all the time, and I want you to know what I'm thinking, because I want you to understand what goes on inside this hyperanalytical head of mind.

I feel like an idiot because I'm so happy with things at the moment, especially with us, and I feel like I've got no right to be pondering all this crap when things are so good. I wanted to finish by saying that because things are really good, this is just a standard overanalysis.


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