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2003-03-31 - 11:41 p.m.

I don't think I can be friends with Annie anymore. I mentioned that in my last entry. I'm going to try to explain why.

It just hurts too much. On one hand it feels like the Annie that I know doesn't exist anymore, but then what hurts more is when I realise part of her still does, get a glimmer of hope, only to have it shattered.

Earlier this month I got a typically dismissive email from Annie, asking if I could give something of Jane's back to her. Essentially showing that we were apparently okay but her and Jane weren't. I've told Annie that I want us to be okay, and while I wanted her and Jane to be okay that is separate. That it was unconstructive to talk to me about her issues with Jane because it made me question if she was only talking to me to get to Jane, and if there was in fact any more to Annie and I than that.

Needless to said email was a convenient way of making Jane still an issue without making it one. I brushed it aside and said lets catch up. We made plans- I went over to her place.

Yes it was uncomfortable, and yes we didn't have much to say, but it was okay. She made reference to the things of Janes she had to give me as being the purpose of my visit. I said that the purpose of my visit was to see her.

In the end (after we had gone to dinner and walked around a bit) I gave her a big hug and she started crying as she held me tightly- it was clear at least for that one instant that she was glad we were okay, and that us growing apart was lamentable.

I thought of how nice it was to be able to hug her and want to be friends but not be in love with her, to have someone else and have no residual feelings. I thought of how much I still liked the palm of my hand against the arch of her back when I hugged her. I felt liked things were looking up.

The next day she sent me this email...

__________________________________________________________

14/3/03

hey

im really glad that we got to catch up last night. other stuff aside for the minute, i want us to be okay. and i feel like we are starting to be okay again.

and thats really important to me - more than you know. i love you heaps.have a good weekend. see you soon.

Annie xx

And then less than two weeks later...

__________________________________________________________

25/3/03

yr the one making such a big noise about us still being friends but you dont

even reply to my emails???

_____________________________________________________________

I think you can see that the problem (aside from the fact that I was copping flak for not replying to imaginary emails) is the inconsistency. I can't do this anymore. For me to accept that my Annie is no longer there, and I don't want to be friends with this Annie is a lot easier than believing things are getting back on track only to have it turned on its head.

It's so hard because I've never had to do anything like this before. Because essentially I am a nice, non-confrontational, caring person, and as I result I rarely get accused of being something I'm not. But I can't do this anymore, and just to make the decision not to communicate with Annie anymore is unbelievably difficult.

What's worse is that I know she will try to communicate with me again. Because that's the nature of the problem- one minute everything is fine and the next I've done something wrong. Amd how do react to her emailing and being civil and sounding like she wants to be constructive? I can't be the one to ignore a genuine attempt to fix things can I? The answer is yes I can, because I know the situation well enough to know that what seems like a constructive attempt by Annie will mean nothing in a week and I'll feel all the worse for thinking things were going alright. It's like driving with a flat tyre- each time this wheel turns it gets worse.

The hardest part will be when she rings me because she is afraid, and alone, and for whatever reason she's turned to me. I can't ignore that. The fact that it's me she's turned to means I can't leave her stranded. That's not what I do. Even if it's to my own detriment. I can't.

I promised I would never leave her.

I promised I would *always* be there for her.

I never wanted it to come to this Annie.

___________________________________________________

"I miss my beautiful friend"

'Morning Theft' - Jeff Buckley

 

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