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2003-02-03 - 1:04 a.m.
I want to start writing more frequently...
I wonder if this is the best medium since this will never be my completely unedited thoughts, but I find it good because I make a point of being a bit creative (my last entry was fairly melodramatic, which isn't to say I didn't mean what I wrote)- and I'm on the computer every day anyway (and still only end up writing once a week!)- if I have to motivate myself to sit down and write in an exercise book I'll never get anything done.
Anyway, I'm going to try to write in here a bit more regularly. Because you're all hanging on to my every word right?
I think I said it in my last entry that I had no doubts that I'm where I want to be with my personal life at this point. I was coming off a bit of a weird week, but by the time I wrote that entry I knew everything was alright. And it is.
Okay I know I don't feel as strongly for Jane as I did once for Annie, but it's not even comparable because my feelings here are associated with something that is actually happening, and something that is reciprocated. I think that's important. Both Jane and I are avoiding words like "love" (and other catastrophes :)- not because it isn't there but because we are treading carefully and are only taking steps when we are ready.
Okay I still have fond memories of time I spent with Annie, I guess the best way to describe it is that I still have residual feelings, but for someone who is no longer there. I have residual feelings for the old Annie, so I don't think there is any danger there. I honestly don't feel anything more than platonic feelings for Annie now. And yes I guess there may have been some sort of residual feelings for Ellie while she was up here, but not in any way that was a threat to Jane, or Carl, or anyone. It's hard to explain. I think it's primarily that it's the first time we'd seen each other that we hadn't slept together in over two years- we both saw that as a good thing, it just took some adjusting. But I think it had more to do with the fact that I hadn't seen Ellie that happy for so long, and it just warmed my heart to see it. Okay, maybe it was wrapped in caution and confusion, but she was happy.
After that bizarre week, I realised quickly that there was nothing to worry about- I really can't stress enough how happy I am with Jane at the moment. I do love her, but it's nothing like it was with Annie. Several people reading this could attest to the fact that when Annie walked into the room it was like I was under a spell, or something. It's not like that with Jane, it's just this warm, fuzzy feeling that everything is good, everything is great. I want to be with her, talk to her, listen to her, all that stuff that you do when you're together. When I get an SMS from her or see an email from her in my inbox I get a glowy feeling. When she refers to me as her boyfriend I feel like I belong. I feel like we belong.
"If this isn't love it's very close"
I don't have a problem saying that here, but I think it will be a long time before either of us are comfortable saying something like that to each other. Because the way this relationship has progressed there's always been things there long before we've admitted it. That's how I know that even if she did have any residual feelings when she saw Mark or Carl it wouldn't matter, because she wouldn't be here if she didn't want to be- because when she wasn't 100% sure it was what she wanted she said no. And she knows the same goes for Annie, or Ellie, or Cindy. They all hold a special place in my heart, but right now it's her that I'm giving my heart to, and she need not doubt that it is what I want.
"And you know that I love you- here and now not forever. I can give you the present, I don't know about the future."
Split Enz- 'Stuff and Nonsense'