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2003-01-25 - 12:25 a.m.

It's been an interesting couple of weeks...

Jane and I have been officially together for a little over two weeks now. I think it's taken me that long to get used to it. It's weird referring to her as my "girlfriend", given that I'd become used to having my "people" but for one reason or another not taking the next step. Mind you it's not something you just announce, at least not to everyone. I told a couple of people at work that I was seeing someone, in context (I think it was in the context of them making suggestive comments about me going out with my ex-girlfriend, a sort of "well actually...") and I've told a few of my Uni friends when I've seen them, but it's not like I'm telling anyone by email that I am no longer single.

The night Jane asked me if she was my girlfriend she'd been out with Annie and felt everything was fine there- that was a little short-lived, but I spoke to Annie tonight and she honestly sounded the happiest I'd heard her in a long time, and she said she wanted us to be okay and I said I think we are, does she, and she said yeah. And she asked how Jane was without making any comment on how she sees their relationship at the moment- which I appreciate because I simply don't think I can get involved there, and it's nice to know Annie sees me as more than Jane's boyfriend, and someone she can ask about Jane- there is still "me and Annie" and that's nice.

In the last few weeks I've been up and down. I've been trying to work myself out- I know this is what I want but I had this feeling that something was missing. I think I might have worked out what it is. I think I want to be everyone's best friend, everyone's guardian angel, I think I place too much emphasis on pleasing everyone.

Maybe it started with Annie and Rowan. Finally Annie seems to have settled on a completely normal, lovely person, and as much as I'm happy now and don't feel the way I used to, I think I'll always wonder why I wasn't enough to make Annie realise that you don't need to be unattainable to be the right person for the right time.

From what I gather Cindy has similar feelings towards me and Jane, in that she's happy for us but part of her wonders why she wasn't enough to make me okay with relationships again, why she wasn't enough to "get her out of my mind". She was the right person at the wrong time, and I guess part of me wishes that hadn't been the way things had to be- but hell, we both pretty much think of each other as an ex, and even Ellie is beginning to think that way.

Then there's Ellie. I think that's been the main thing that's made this last week a little strange. I think for the first time in the 18 odd months since we broke up we haven't acted like we're still together. And I think part of me realises that that is much more to do with other people than that our dynamic when we see each other has changed. Ellie I'm sure you noticed how fast my heart was beating when you were resting your head on my chest- I feel stronger for us keeping within our boundaries, but it wasn't easy.

And seeing how happy and how right you looked with Carl wasn't easy either. It makes me so happy to see you like that but I guess I'll always have a tinge of regret that I let you down- that I couldn't be who you wanted me to be.

That's not entirely true I guess. When we broke up you asked me if I'd be your best friend. To be honest at the time I didn't know if I could, but I could only say yes because I didn't want to hurt you anymore. Last week you asked me if I still had residual feelings for you when I saw you. I thought that was an unfair question, because I felt damned if I did and damned if I didn't. I realised that when I had previously said without hesitation that I still had feelings for you when I saw you, I didn't stop to think how true it was, but now when I was reluctant to answer the question I actually knew what the answer was. I wasn't willing to say it at the time because it would have made this week all the more dangerous.

As time passed I stopped saying without hesitation that I was your best friend. I said that I would be your best friend, but that didn't necessarily make you mine. I wanted to be honest, though sometimes the truth hurts. Ellie I wouldn't say this if I didn't believe it, and I think you know that given that I didn't say it when it wasn't true, but you are my best friend and I think that finally I can be for you what you want me to be.

I didn't have the best of days on Wednesday. Work was awful, I don't know why, and then Wednesday night was just weird. I had already been warned that chances were that Cindy and Ellie would bond with Jane by ganging up on me, because that was all they knew they had in common, but it really wasn't what I needed. And then I found myself watching Ellie more than I was watching Jane. But then it was just Jane and I at her place and I realised that she had taken my stressful day away from me, and that's when I realised that I was sure this was what I wanted. Then I saw Ellie the next morning, and kissed her goodbye, and I talked to Cindy yesterday and today and we were...us...and I was happy when she was happy and I felt for her when she was hurting.

I think tonight the circle was complete, and I realised I was happy with my life. Annie called me, and we chatted, and she sounded so happy. And we talked about getting together next week and she said she wanted us to be okay, and she asked how Jane was like she genuinely cared. And she was excited that we'd be spending time together next week. And the last thing she said to me was

"I love you."

I love you all so much.


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