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2003-01-17 - 12:39 a.m.
I want to be your friend,however i feel like we arent anymore.because we
dont see each other, or talk to each other, and i feel like i have nothing
to say to you anymore apart form 'shagging my best friend hows that going'
Okay, if we are going to work this out there are a couple of things we are going to have to face. One is that just because you *feel* like we aren't friends anymore doesn't mean that I have something to answer for. I am trying to be your friend, but you're managing to discount all the things that I say show I am your friend. Yes last week the two nights we went out were for other people's things, but that's what friends do. I would not even know Amanda if it wasn't for you and you have to ask yourself why was I invited? Because I'm *your* friend. If I wasn't your friend Amanda wouldn't have invited me- and if Amanda hadn't thought that things seemed to be back to normal between you and me and you and Jane she wouldn't have invited us because she cares about you too much to do that to you.
I said I didn't want to have to prove myself, yet that's still what I felt like I was doing in my last email- but all the alleged "proof" you've said nothing about and just keep saying that I'm bullshitting and pretending and in reality I don't have time for you and I should say so. What part of driving in 45 minutes to see you and an hour to Campbelltown is not having time for you? Not to mention spending all this time writing emails to try to save something when I could just as easily not be bothering. What's the point of asking me to prove myself when you don't believe the so called proof? What do you have to say about all the things I said in my last email about being there for you over the last year and a half? I'd like to hear that that meant something to you rather than just have you once again say that I don't care.
The other thing is that if this is going to work we have to work things out separately from Jane. It's not fair to ring me up asking what her problem is. I'm not just shagging your best friend Annie, she is my girlfriend, but I'm mature enough to be able to separate how I feel about both of you. If she decides she hates you or you decide you hate her that doesn't mean I have to choose- you mean too much to me to turn my back on you.
im second best to nobody
Annie friendships don't work that way. How can you expect me to go on having you as the single most important person in my life when I have never been that to you? Ever since I have known you it has been fine when it is just the two of us but if A, or B, or C, or D, or anyone rang you'd drop everything and make plans with them. I've been on the phone to you before and you got a call on your house phone and said you'd call me back in 5 minutes but you spent the next two hours on the phone to C and didn't talk to me until a few days later. Those things hurt but I never said anything because I didn't want to fight with you.
I'm not going to accept being treated like that anymore. I never ignore a genuine attempt to fix something that's broken- you emailed me and said you'd like a reply, of course I'm going to write back. But last night you rang me only to scoff that it was big of me to answer your call and the last thing you said to me before I hung up and turned my phone off was that I was full of shit. I don't deserve to be treated that way by anyone. I wouldn't accept it from Cindy, I wouldn't accept it from Ellie- I'm not going to accept it from you. If anyone ever suggests that I don't care about friends and all I care about is who I'm sleeping with again I just don't want to know them. And do you know why? Because if they say that it means they don't know me at all. My friends mean more to me than anything. And I have counted you as one of my best friends for a long time now. Longer than I've known Jane or Cindy. Things aren't black and white Annie- there is no second best, there are simply webs of friendships in which people interact and care about each other.
Like I said I'm not ever going to ignore a genuine attempt to work things out. But this is the last time I'm going to respond to allegations that I'm treating you like a doormat, that I'm only interested in a shag, that everything I've ever done means nothing. Read this email and my last one and try responding to all the things I said I have done rather than accusing me once again of doing nothing.
As for having nothing to say other than "hey, shagging my best friend"- that just suggests to me that none of our conversations get through to you. Remember when we were at the bar on Friday night? You weren't asking me how shagging Jane was going, you were asking about how I felt about the whole situation, and was I happy, and thats what friends do. It's a relationship not meaningless sex. And I asked you about R, and said that I was really happy to see you happy, and you were happy and it was the first time I had seen you like that for a long time. And we talked about how you called A that day, and that it was still an issue, but he wasn't stopping you getting involved in things. Do I really have to remind you of every conversation we've ever had to prove we are friends? Because I probably remember 98% of everything you've ever said and done to me so it's certainly not beyond me.
Give me a chance Annie, a genuine chance- and we can be friends again the way we used to be. This has nothing to do with Jane, or anyone else, this is between you and me.