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2004-05-26 - 4:48 p.m.

Sometimes I want to drive out to a little house in the middle of nowhere with nothing but an exercise book and a pen (or several) and just write. I don't know whether I want it to be purging my head of every thought that swims around in it without getting distracted or sidetracked or if I want to write fiction, but I want to write more.

It's another of my many contradictions that when you're sharing your life with someone you simultaneously struggle to spend enough quality time together but also struggle to find quality time on your own. Blueshoe made a reference to "About a Boy" a few weeks ago- I think everyone can relate to the idea of breaking up your time into units. You get home from work after getting up at 4.40am, you need a few units of sleep, then you only have a few more units spare before she gets home and I can't write when she's here. Even if she is on the computer or doing Uni work or cooking or doing something that doesn't invlove me (um, I didn't quite mean that to sound how it did...) I think I need to be alone to write.

I'll link this if I can find it, but about a year and a half ago I went to this place in the Blue Mountains with my Unifriends and it was completely in the middle of nowhere, and I just imagined being there all by myself and writing, or reading, or thinking. It was at a time in my life not dissimilar to this in that things around me were really good- it was before things went awry with Annie but after I'd started seeing Jane casually, and I think the latter was a big turning point (apart from for the obvious reason that it led to where we are now)- mainly it was empowering to realise that my love for Annie at the time wasn't all consuming. Anyway, on top of all that I was with my Unifriends, who I love dearly- especially Julie and Tara who I'm closest to- and who were "outside the circle". But despite how good that weekend was for me, I just had this desire to escape- either from myself or to myself.

Sometimes I still want to get away from everything for just a week. I know I just came back from six weeks overseas, but anyone who has done that knows it is not all resting and relaxation (in fact it's virtually the opposite, although it is an escape from your normal routine). I am willing to admit that I am into material possessions and accumulating things and, yes, even willing to admit that I like having money- even though I'm a hippie at heart who believes in "All you need is love" (well, it was one of their weaker songs but the sentiment...). Sometimes I want to get away from all that for a while, knowing that I do want to come back to it. For the same reason I think I can safely think this without wondering why I would want to leave Jane for a week- of course I'm not wanting to get away from something- I'm trying to find something.

I think because my life revolves around the people I love and care about I'd like to see who I am stripped of all that. I want to get to know me better.


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