2003-01-12 - 10:02 p.m.

Disclaimer: I'm writing this as a diary entry because it seemed more appropriate than an email- as the former I'm simply saying it's on my mind, whereas as the latter it might insinuate some sort of self righteousness in the assumption that it is a pressing issue we need to discuss when in fact the other party (well, both of us) have more pertinent things to deal with.

I'm here to listen- and I would like to be able to repay what you did for me. But it's not easy when you think I'm only concerned about my world, and don't think you can talk to me. Friends are however more than counsellors, and therefore do more than just listen- they interact. It's not always quid pro quo, most relationships establish a natural dynamic at some point. I seem to have done most of the talking in our relationship. That's something that has evolved, as much because you have been reluctant to talk as because I have been eager to. I do not turn every conversation into one about my life.

I'm left feeling like when something pretty important happens in my life I can't just call you up and tell you about it because I would seem preoccupied with me. But isn't that what friends should do? Aren't you going to feel more resentment towards me reading about it first here? See it as further proof of us growing apart because it was a week before you found out, and if it had been six months ago you might have been the first person I told?

It feels like I'm going through a phase of having to second guess how I should act and what I should say around my closest friends for fear of reprisal- first Annie and now you. I don't think I've changed *that* much, I think *we* have but we're both more or less the same people, we're just less tolerant of things that we both did day in and day out before. Our relationship was always, how can I put it, graphically honest to the point of bad taste sometimes- it's not that we crossed a line at some point, it's just that neither of us wants to hear about *that* anymore. Are we jealous of each other? And as for me bemoaning issues/ arguments I'm having with other people- I guess we both can see that I haven't changed that much there, I think that's what shits you. I think you used to use the word stagnant to describe us. I thought you were supposed to be the stubborn one? Now that we're changing, do you feel like you're losing the me that you know?

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