2012-06-16 - 6:38 p.m.

No matter what I'm filling up day with, I'm stressing about something I'm not doing. Have a week at work where I feel completely engaged, focussed and I work later than usual- I'm not going to the gym enough. Get to the gym 3 times in a week- I haven't been for a road run for about 3 weeks. Don't get me started on the things that need doing around the house. Plants from our housewarming are still in their bags of dirt, rather than potted. Boxes of things that we evidently don't use more than once every 4 months remain unpacked. My brother in law's bookshelves (which ought to help with the unpacked boxes of CDs) remain unassembled.

And then there's writing. Surely I can't be stressing about not writing (in here, or livejournal, or in my pen-and-paper diary) enough enough while I'm watching repeats of the Big Bang Theory and visiting quiz sites.

So Jo's at a girl's night tonight, and I'm determined to write rather than watch crappy TV, or search the Beach Boys discography on Wikipedia to see what I'm missing ahead of seeing their 50th Anniversary Concert in August.

I actually do have something of substance I can focus on tonight. Good news of sorts. Jo and I have had various tests for fertility, and everything is normal. That doesn't mean that, at close to 34 and 35 respectively we won't have to go down the IVF route, but this is the first proof I have in my whole life that "my boys can swim", which is a relief. And as far as Jo's hormones and risk around polycystic ovaries and all those other things, all normal.

So what does that mean? Given that we've been trying for 12 months, our doctor gave us a referral to get an opinion from an IVF specialist (now that we've gone to the trouble of getting bodily fluids tested), but we should be able to keep "trying" for another 6 months without stressing too much. We both (but particularly me) do need to get back to drinking less and doing whatever it takes to increase our chances though.

It is a huge relief to know that neither of us are infertile. I do wish we were parents already. I do compare us both to our Parents and Grandparents, and think that as every year passes we become less likely to know adult grandchildren (as do our parents). But ultimately I accept the choices we've made and knowing that, even if it does take IVF to do it, our chances of conceiving a child (or two) in the next 5 years are as good as anyone our age, is a huge weight off.

So what else?

Work at the moment... where do I start? It's entirely possible that within the next 2 months they'll announce they are closing the Refinery. Our main competitor has already made that decision. Effectively it's cheaper to refine overseas (where labour is cheap) and ship the products over here. But it's not that simple, and so while I'm mentally preparing for that outcome, it just as easily might not happen. It's not a great look in many people's eyes to not have an Oil Refinery anywhere in NSW.

The majority of people working under me are stressed and have low morale at the moment. The workload is high and it's hard to put long term solutions into place when you don't know what the long term direction of the company is. My boss spoke to virtually everyone under me to try to better understand how people are feeling, and as you'd expect many of them had things to say about me. I'm actually really happy with the way the information was gathered and presented to me as constructive criticism. I don't get people who can't take feedback- or think they're already doing everything right. I assume I'm doing most things imperfectly, so actually hearing what some peoples' perceptions are of me gives me a chance to try to change them.

The most ironic and frustrating perception is that I'm going easy on a guy who is underperforming. Noone else sees what happens when he's in my office- I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm being harder on him than on anyone else, and he's probably right. But the fact is he hasn't changed, doesn't want to, and publically all I can do is address specific issues (or assure people I'll address specific issues) while still supporting him. This guy's in a supervisory position and it would be a lot more damaging to let other people know what I really think of his performance. I'm sure my few readers have been in situations where they've been frustrated at their boss due to their inability to improve the performance of an employee whose flaws are impacting their work. All I can say is- it aint as easy as it seems.

Going back to the results of bodily fluid tests- it turns out (I'm not all that surprised) that my cholesterol is actually quite high. I suspect I'm not as careful with fatty foods and other contributers because I am reasonably fit and well within my healthy weight range. I do need to start watching what I eat (and drink) more, and perhaps this is what I needed for that to happen- a number on a piece of paper. I don't even know how much alcohol contributes- I'm having second thoughts about having more than a glass of wine tonight (keep in mind I only got the results today), but it's the excess when I have big nights that I should be focussing more on. Last Sunday night I had half a bottle of wine and a probably 5 or 6 standard drinks worth of scotch with Nathan. The previous Saturday for Lucy's 30th the 3rd bottle of wine with Yas was completely unnecessary, and that doesn't even take into account the tequila and other drinks until 5am at the Townie. The previous week at our Housewarming the night should have finished a couple of hours and a good couple of glasses of wine and punch before it did.

We've also instituted Friday night curry night- and for example I've just stopped thinking about substituting ghee for olive oil because I have ghee in the fridge. And because as far as Jo's weight loss goes, she pointerises (that word gets used a lot so I have no idea anymore if it's a real word) and philosophically doesn't feel she has to avoid everything as long as she's accountable for it. But it probably is a good idea to avoid some things altogether when there are perfectly good susbstitutes- ghee would be one, full fat milk another.

I'm going to have another glass of wine or two tonight. But maybe I'll think about doing Dry July.

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