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2006-10-23 - 12:40 a.m.

It was 3 weeks ago today that I touched back down in Sydney, and I'm having trouble getting back into the swing of things. Writing in here is a prime example- beforehand I'd been going so well with at least an entry every cycle (give or take). Work is all too familiar- I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way, but I haven't had any trouble adjusting to that, even with the early mornings. It's more the after work. Wasting away my afternoons following morning shifts, not making enough of my afternoon shifts, drinking too much on the in-between days.

There are exceptions. It was lovely having Megan and Nick here for a few days- the pleasure was all mine guys seriously- it's nice having friends around after having to do the separation thing again. I had a BBQ/Party, went to a Reception, basically completely filled up my last 3 days off, which is why in some ways it feels like I still haven't settled down after my holiday. Steve moving in has been a positive thing, if for no other reason than a bit of a financial breather; but after feeling very constructive in those days before I started back at work when I cleaned out the spare room I feel like I've stalled a bit with all the boxes of junk cluttering up my room. A semi-colon was no justification for a sentence that long I know.

I think a lot of the feelings I can't put my finger on at the moment stem from anxiety that I've reached the next great unknown. I no longer see time passing quickly as a positive thing- of course it means Jane's stay at Christmas will come sooner, but so will her leaving- and the only thing that can get me out of this spiral is finding a job and moving over there. The pressure is 100% on me. The first half of the year flying past was great- five and a half months that should have been torturous turned out to be character building and they were over before both of us knew it. But now... time is not on my side. Every day that passes from the beginning of next year is a day that I'm not making good on my side of the bargain. Sure neither of us thought I'd be there in January, and truth be told I might need to stay until April to get my yearly bonus, but to at least have seen a few jobs that might have been the ones would have been encouraging. Well, I've seen the jobs I want, and they were encouraging in their own right, but vacancies in the right spots would be good.

Hmmm, well at least writing this entry has made me feel like I'm back in some sort of habit vis-a-vis writing in here. Day by day of the last two work cycles to follow shortly.


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