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2006-04-10 - 9:14 p.m.

The quiet nights before morning shifts are when I find being by myself the most difficult. It's not lying awake in an empty bed- as romantic as it would be if I found that unbearable I actually find it a lot easier to sleep. It's being at a loss for what to do before I go to bed. Especially before my first morning shift, when I'm not tired at all, but I know I should go to bed sometime. I've been watching too much TV, not eating at home enough, all the things I was proud I wasn't doing.

But then I'm also being too hard on myself. I recognise that I feel a bit down on those nights, so I can recognise that it's not as if I'm wasting my life away if I have the odd couple of days as a TV junkie.

These last 3 days off I did plenty, so the fact that I slept in every, didn't eat at home once, and watched about 10 episodes of Buffy (and I can't even use the excuse that I'm seeing them for the first time anymore) shouldn't matter so much. It's probably that I didn't write in here either, but now it's the evening after my first morning and I'm writing so I've kind of made up for it.

It's the lack of intimacy thing that I wrote about before that I'm feeling on the nights in question. I'd hardly say I'm not doing okay- if I didn't feel lonely and miss her a good handful of days out of the last month there'd be something wrong wouldn't there?

So what's been happening since I last wrote? The Lucksmiths was last Saturday night, after my first morning. That whole cycle seemed to go pretty quickly, whic is no a bad thing, although it does contribute to the feeling that I'm just passing time until the next thing (at the end of last cycle it was Craigs bucks night, which I'll mention a bit later, I think this time around I'm looking forward to not having plans for my 3 days off). Last Monday, which was changeover day, I had a few beers with Nathan at the pub down the road, and then felt incredibly slack buying takeaway to eat at home (but I didn't had much choice as I'd managed to avoid grocery shopping for so long, my car was out of action and it was too late to buy anything from the shops nearby). The day after that was the day I wrote in here about getting my car fixed, having a productive day and enjoying the sun. So it seems I'm making up for my bad days quite adequately thanks very much.

Three afternoons later and it was Friday, my first day off, on which I managed to sleep in until after 1pm for no good reason. Managed to drag myself down to the post office to pick up my quarterly wine delivery, and before long I was off for a night of chauvanistic male bonding. Well, there was loads of meat, jugs of beer and strippers, how much more blokey can you get really?

There's not a lot to write about the night- Craig is a work friend who doesn't know a lot of people in Sydney so we took it upon ourselves to organise a buck's night for him. Going to a strip club with your boss is a bizarre experience I must say. As with all good nights I ended up at the Townie highly inebriated, and when I got home at about 5am I talked to Jane on the phone for a while- a fact which I remembered well enough even though I barely remember a word I said to her. I know this because I said a lot of it again the next time I spoke to her sober, much to her amusement.

Saturday we (Nathan, Craig and I) dragged ourselves to Yum Cha, then Nathan and I hung out watching Buffy, before convincing each other to eat out for dinner. Then I somehow managed to survive driving to Steve's place in Sutherland for a card night. The car was to make sure I didn't have another big night, but boy was I tired. Seven of us played poker (Texas Holdem) for about 3 hours, which is certainly the longest I've ever kept interest in poker, and actually enjoyed myself. Usually it's 500 for me.

Then yesterday, aside from more TV, I swore I would actually make dinner at home, until Phoebe asked if I wanted to have dinner at the Townie with her and Mark. I figure with Jane in another country, I should grab every opportunity to be with people, and so my run of nights without using my kitchen stretched to about 9.

But tonight I was good. And I wrote in here as well. Perhaps I should celebrate by watching a DVD before I go to bed :)


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