2005-12-19 - 6:25 p.m.

I think I'm ready to confess why I never end up writing in here on weeknights or on in my rare moments of free time on the weekends- I've become addicted to Buffy DVDs. My friend has them all and he left them at our place after he house-sat for us. I never used to watch the show so I can't just throw an episode on to reminisce like I can with Monty Python- I need to know what happens next dammit!

Alright, now that I have that out of the way...

Big news- Jane has been offered a job in San Francisco (or at least the San Franciscan equivalent of Penrith) starting March 1st. I know that initially I said it was a New York job but in the end she told them her preference was San Francisco (out of NYC, San Francisco and Chicago) because there's a far better chance of me getting a job within my company there.

So there's a lot to think about. I think we're 98% sure she's going to take it, but there's a fair chance I might not get over there for six months or more. The problem is that I'm applying for a job at work, which is essentially the job I used to do but with direct reports and better pay and recognition for the added responsibilities of leading a team rather than just being part of one. If I don't get it, I'm going to be pretty keen to get over to the US (assuming it' even possible) because I'm entirely (or 90% entirely anyway) sick ofthe role I'm doing now. Weekends and normal hours are nice, but for a $20K pay cut from my last role (ie loss of shift allowance) I don't feel I'm liking it enough or doing a good enough job. Plus the guy that did the job before is back from his assignment in another department, is sitting next to me, has an opinion on everything and is driving me nuts.

On the other hand, if I am offered this supervisor role, I'm going to want to take it for some period of time, because I think I would do it well, it would be familiar territory yet full of new challenges and the payrise and shift allowance will provide a bit of security for when I do end up in the US, probably taking a substantial paycut (yes I'll be paid in US$ but I'm pretty much faced with taking any job that will hire me over a citizen and support my visa)- whereas Jane's position is a promotion and a substantial pay rise. It's hard to work out exactly how we stand financially either way (ie me over here or me over there)- because all the stuff we have to pay for over there is in American dollars, so it's no point converting your salary when you need to work out how much rent you can afford to pay in US$.

Basically while she is over there by herself, be it for one month or six, Jane has to pretend her income is all she has to live on and pay rent with, and I have to do the same with mine vis a vis our mortgage and my living expenses. If we do that I'll be saving, I'll have an emergency fund for her and I'll be able to afford to relocate when the time comes if the company doesn't pay me.

On the other hand the sooner I get over there the sooner we're getting rental income on this place (which still won't cover our rent over there, so we have to look at our combined salaries paying our mortgage and the rental gap). And when we're both over there our income in US$ will be paying our mortgage in Aussie Dollars.

My biggest concern however is whether or not my boss, or my company, will even support a transfer to our parent company, who have a huge refinery about 40 minutes out of San Francisco (so distance-wise not a great deal different to where my work is from Sydney). If I am offered the job, I feel obliged to tell him of my dilema, and find out how long he would expect me to perform this role for before he would support a transfer. I wouldn't put it like that of course, I want to do this job, but the reality is that after 6 months (which means Jane will have been gone for just over 3) I'm going to want to start seriously trying to get over there. Any more than six months and Jane would consider turning the offer down, and there's no way I want her to have to do that. But if I am faced with the fact that I can either do this job for what my boss deems a reasonable amount of time, or turn it down, stay in a job I'm not enjoying and still not know how long it wll be until something comes up over there- well, I don't know if I can do that.

In many ways it will be easier on the two of us if I don't get this job. But the fact is I want to get this job. It's easy for me to say it's best for both of us in the long run, but as much as I'll be awfully lonely for as long as I'm here without her, I'm not the one that will have no one at all.

Regardless of whether I get the job or not, I am encouraging Jane to go. It will be the hardest decision we've made in the time that we've been together but it's not all that long in the scheme of things. If Jane turns the job down because she doesn't want to spend the time alone I'll understand, but it's not what I want her to do. She's great at her job and this is recognition for that, and I'm willing to leave the only place I've ever worked full time for a job lower down the chain for that, but not straight away.

The other hard thing is the idea of leaving our apartment for two years when we're just settling in. I mean we bought a barbecue yesterday, and in only a few months (or so) I'll be packing it up along with everything else to put into storage. I want to do this, but really I don't want to do it *now*. Only we don't have the luxury of choosing when to do the work overseas thing. The opportunity may never come again. The apartment wont go anywhere, nor will all our stuff in storage.

As for my potential job- I'm supposed to find out on Friday. So at least there won't be this not knowing for too much longer.

"It's fear of the unknown. Unknown is what it is. Accept that it's unknown and it's plain sailing."
-John Lennon

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