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2005-08-28 - 5:21 p.m.

I've got to start writing in here more. Well, when I say "I've got to..." I don't mean that not doing so will cause physical injury, reduce future employment prospects or result in a mental breakdown, but I'd like to y'know :)I sit dwn in front of this thing and read everyone else, almost robot-like clicking on people that I know full well are as slack as me and won't have written anything new (or if not because they are slack then because it's only been a day since their last entry) but I generally don't find myslf motivated to write anything.

At the very least I could be chronicalling things like my Housewarming, concerts I've been to, what I did on the weekend- every entry doesn't have to be a journey into my head. I just want to write more, for the sake of writing, to exercise my left brain more- and if it's entertaining great, but if it's mundane day-to-day stuff then, well I know you all love me and will read it anyway ;)

If I was sixteen I could be writing down sexual fantasies and passing it off as having written in my diary for the day, but I'm far too mature for that/ I don't think anybody needs to read such things (circle most likely option). I could be writing a short story every day, completely impromptu, thus having an excuse for it being substandard and all over the place. I could be writing lists of movies I want to see (taken from "1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die"), Top 100 Albums, places I want to go on holidays, 101 things I need to do to be more organised...

(Note to self, refer this entry when lost for ideas for what to write in here, but only use porn option in extreme circumstances)

So aside from catching up on the last month or so (Housewarming, High School Reunion, Nine Inch Nails, Jane's Birthday, the list goes on...) I actually do have some interesting thoughts to ponder at the moment.

On Friday Jane had an interview for a position in the States (New York, San Francisco or Chicago) and feels like she has a reasonable chance of getting offered a job. It started harmlessly enough, she's overworked and under-rewarded and needs to be looking around to justify still being where she is when she knows there is no chance of promotion before the end of the year. But after the initial shock of actually getting an interview it's gone from a "What If..." to something more.

Don't worry, the dreaded long distance relationship is not on the cards (well, apart from a potentially short time), either we're both going or neither of us are. Which is a bit scary really. For starters the fact that if I couldn't deal with going overseas then Jane would willingly sacrifice a golden opportunity is a weird position to be in, but everything associated with an overseas move is more daunting.

I'd be giving up a comfortable and well paid position for one which I could hate. We'd be moving from our newly acquired apartment before we had a good chance to settle in. Worst of all we'd have to pack everything in boxes again! We'd have to decide what to take and what to leave. We'd be doing it tough living overseas with a mortgage in Australia. We'd only know each other. We'd hve to tip everybody.

On the other hand- living in or New York would be so cool. I personally would want to put a year timeframe on it but if Jane gets the job she says she'd like to put a two year timeframe on it. Having said that, if either of us are miserable, or we're having too much trouble financially (we definitely won't consider selling our apartment to fund this opportunity) we can bail out early. As scary as leaving my job is to me, I think I could probably jump back on board as a contractor without too much difficulty at short notice if that was necessary.

So that's a lot of things I've just thrown out there. Let's focus on what I'm most freaked out by. It's the work thing. What I'm doing now is far from my dream job, and particularly in my current position I have a lot of ups and downs (feeling disorganised and not up to the task is the usual down), but I get paid well, I have close friends there and even the annoying associates are at least familiar, and I'm afraid that I'm going to not like any of the jobs I'm qualified for. I've always been good at theory- at learning and writing, and to be honest I caned that side of things in High School and Uni- and I enjoyed it. I liked learning about chemistry, biology, anatomy, maths- and it was only in fourth year doing our major project that my textbook structured world came crashing down. I hated the practical side of chemistry. I hated the idea of having to write down everything you did, of being meticulous and having to scrape milligrams of sample out of a glass flask, analysing it and finding out you hadn't made what you wanted to anyway, and it was probably my carelessness that was to blame. It was over 6 months of torture which I salvaged with a good writeup that earned me class one honours.

I seriously considered doing a Dip. Ed. and becoming a Science Teacher, because it was in the structured learning environment that I had excelled, and I felt like I was in danger of falling flat on my back in the real world. Some of my friends were putting in job applications before we had handed in- starting full time work before Christmas, while I spent 6 months stacking shelves. I applied for two jobs not including the one I have now, which I found out about through one of the ladies in nightfill, whose husband was to become my boss. I waited for confirmation of my rejection of my first application before I thought about looking elsewhere.

This job fell into my lap and even then, I didn't get into it properly for two years. It was almost too structured, too easy to do what you had to do and go home, leaving me open to being evaluated as not doing enough above and beyond to make th leap from contractor to permanent. My current role is looked upon highly, but sometimes I feel like a fraud. I'm doing an adequate job but I see so muh room for improvement it's not funny. But I tend to wallow in he inadequacies rather than focus on the room for improvement.

So if I go overseas- hopefully by finding a job in my parent company (there is a refinery about an hour out of Manhattan by public transport)- well, what if I find the work unbearable? It's fear of failure plain and simple. This particular refinery only focuses on a particular product, which means the testing is likely to be more monotonous than the stuff I was doing when I was on shift. Having said that I might end up doing the sort of thing I'm doing now, which is daunting enough among friends and familiar colleagues, but is still an okay thought.

The thing is- as far as working for my parent company goes, I only have two options, and both rely on them being able to accomodate me (I don't even know if the relatively small refinery close to New York has a lab). Otherwise I have to start looking elsewhere, and of course I would have to find a job in a company willing to hire me despite my lack of US citizenship (which means I need a pretty good resume). So what does that mean when I come back to Australia? I still have the phobia that there is no other job out there that I'll like, and particularly none that pays what I'm earning now that I'm qualified for.

This possibility could be a good thing- because it forces me to move on from a job I'm too comfortable in. It's the only full time job I've ever had and I've been there over 5 years- that might be okay for now but years down the track I'll actually want to move on and potential employers will see someone who hasn't had a varied career and may not adapt well to change.

The bottom line is that if Jane does get offered the job I think we've made up our mind- we're going to give this thing a try. And I haven't quite got my head around that idea yet.


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