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2003-05-09 - 6:02 p.m.

Jane and I have talked quite a bit about the fight we had on Saturday since my last entry. I think that's all I needed- closure, acknowledgement beyond the fact, something- even though we kind of worked it out on the night I needed to look at it in hindsight (and let's not forget we were both fairly drunk at the time).

After a few days Jane had thought enough about it to send me her thoughts on why she felt the way she did. And I must emphasise that since my last entry it has been completely about what made her feel that way in the first place, and I've dealt with the fact that we react differently to situations- me by overanalysing, her by overreacting.

I'm so happy that we have such an honest relationship. She knows all about this little world I have here and she fully respects that I don't want her to have a link, but by the same token I've been sending her a lot of the stuff I've been writing. I just don't want to be writing with her reading it in mind because that might affect my openness- but once I have it written I'm usually more than happy to share with her.

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"Was thinking about stuff this morning so I thought I would share with you a bit where my head is up to.

When we were talking about why I was feeling the way I was on Saturday you suggested that it was was perhaps because you were getting along so well with my friends and while I was quite happy to go along with that explanation and while i think it does contribute to it, now that i've had a bit of a chance to think about it a bit i can see other issues as well that probably had more of a bearing on how I reacted.

Okay, this is going to be a bit all over the place 'cause I haven't really had a chance to organise my thoughts properly so hopefully you'll be able to make sense of some of it anyway. On Saturday night i was feeling like i was in a box. i was feeling closed in. and it's not that i didn't want to be where i was (cause i did and i do) but i felt like i had no other choice than where i was (which isn't true) but that i had only one option that i want i guess, and that is that i want to be with you and i don't want any of the options that don't involve you and that scares me. i can't control that entirely cause you have some say in that too. And i wanted to upset you cause you have the power to upset me and you are one of the few people who could truly do that if you wanted.

It's also about my paranoid fear of not being me anymore. and what i want has changed i guess. i want to spend my time with you, but i have noticed that i don't tend to go out anymore without you where before i would be out most nights or at least all weekend, with all different people and i feel as though that has changed. and i know that who i am isn't static but it seems to be changing so fast and i don't know if i will be able to go back if i want to or need to. i like who i am now and you like who i am now (i think) and i'm not saying that this is your fault this is something that is totally about me cause i am the one making these changes and i'm doing okay with them. i just get a little apprehensive about where it is that i'm going with this stuff.

Anyways I might talk to you more about this later. I love you and I will give you a call tonight."

 

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