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2003-04-08 - 12:58 a.m.

"Goodnight beautiful. I am leaving my phone on so you can call me later if you'd like to. I always like you to call even if I sound distracted and stuff it's just cause other stuff is going on, but you are as important as all the other stuff put together."

That was the SMS I got from Jane tonight. I thought it was incredibly sweet but more than that I just thought it was a perfect indication of her knowing exactly what I'm thinking without me having to say anything. Sometimes I get insecure and paranoid, and if she sounds a little vague or somewhere else because she's at work or watching TV or cooking I think for some reason that she isn't that interested in talking to me. Or something. Sometimes I ask her how she is and she gives me a brief pause and an "I'm okay" and my instinctive thought is "just okay? something must be wrong". But it's usually because she's not doing anything extraordinary, so why would she say "good" if "okay" is exactly how she's feeling? It's just that I usually automatically respond "good" to how am I unless something is wrong.

I think deep down maybe I'm a bit of a primadonna, expecting people to be enthusiastic about the fact that I've called, or something. It's not something that would project itself outwardly but she obviously knows me well enough to know how I think. And that's nice.

I don't know exactly what I have to be insecure about. Maybe it's like all the dwelling on the past stuff- my subconscious just won't let me be satisfied, even when things are really good. Maybe it's linked to the fact that with Annie one day she would be telling me how much she loved me and the next she'd be using me as a sounding board for how wonderful *insert one of usual suspects* was, as if she didn't know how I felt about her. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that for all the really beautiful things Jane says about me, the minute she sounds unenthusiastic when she's talking to me I get paranoid.

I'm like one of those excrutiatingly painful people who have everything and still complain. Who have every reason to be happy and still find a reason to be upset.

"You give it all but I want more"

I have everything I need right now- how long is it going to take me to realise that?

 

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