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2003-03-30 - 1:29 a.m.
I've been slack, I know :)
There have been plenty of times over the last couple of weeks when I've had endless thoughts swirling through my head, but somehow I never make it here in time and they seem to thought themselves out.
Jane and I have been talking a lot about regrets lately. Or more to the point, I have, because Jane essentially doesn't get them- ever. It makes it difficult to explain it to her because it's almost like she doesn't understand the concept, and there's something beautiful about that. I have a lot of hangups about having been far too cautious growing up, and not getting any life experience- and while it's easy to say that Jane doesn't have those hangups because she has had that experience, it's more than that.
Her automatic response any time I bring up any such thing is that that's what makes me who I am, and that she likes who I am, and she always makes me feel good about myself. But she doesn't say it to make me feel good about myself. She says it because she means it. And that means the world to me.
Those last few paragraphs weren't incredibly clear but that's because there's no need to overanalyse these regrets that I have ad nauseum, not here, not now- because I am dealing with them. Usually writing pages of crap is how I deal with them. In fact maybe I will go away and write pages of crap so I can work out what I'm thinking, and then come back here and give you a synopsis :)
The point is I have had lots of stuff going through my head but I don't want to talk about it now.
I want to write *something*, really I do, but I can't get into the right frame of mind. I'm pretty tired right now anyway. It's almost 2am- I finished work close to 1am, I got to sleep at about 5am yesterday morning at Jane's house after driving into the city to meet her after my last midnight finish.
Tomorrow (or I guess today) is the first of 3 days off- hopefully I'll get some writing done then.
Incidentally, I think it might be the end of the road for me and Annie as friends. I guess there's plenty more to say about that too. I really don't want that to be the case but I don't think the friend I thought I knew exists anymore, and every time I get hopeful and things seem good only to be turned on their head it just gets more upsetting. I think the only solution is to have some sort of constant and learn to deal with that, and it seems that if the black and white options are always being her friend or never being her friend then there is only one that is actually possible. The in betweens hurt too much.
"There aint gonna be any middle anymore"
'Porch' - Pearl Jam
I'm not going to end on such a sour note. Things are good. Things are great. It makes me sad that some of my closest friends are unhappy at the moment, and it makes me sad that I'm resigned to losing one of my closest friends- I've had friendships fade, contact lost, all that sort of thing, but I've never had to choose not to be somebody's friend before. It's not me, and it's really hard. But on the other hand the person closest to me I barely knew a year ago, and her vibrancy, warmth, and above all her belief in herself and in me is truly inspiring.
What right do I have to regret really? You glorify the past when the future dries up (that's from the same song as the quote on my profile page). The future at the moment looks, well, I feel in control. And regret really has no place in where I want my life to be right now. Which is not to say I can just get rid of this part of my nature. But I'm really trying.
"It's so good to be in love again"
'Hate' - Grinspoon