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2003-02-24 - 10:53 p.m.
Jane and I had a disturbing conversation the other day. I was telling her about the latest late night phone call I had from Annie. It really upset me and I ended up calling Jane at about 4am- not to talk about what was said and how Annie was, because I didn't want to upset her and give her trouble sleeping, but just to talk to her about other things so I could go to sleep on a happier note. I didn't actually say that per se, but she must have sensed it because she ended up singing to me- a few days earlier she was trying to describe a song that I "must know" but she wasn't going to sing it then and there.
Anyway, a day or so later we were talking more about the content of my conversation with Annie. Jane said:
"I always try to be optimistic, and say she'll be alright, and sometimes it feels like she will- but she won't, will she?"
"I... I don't know. I'm finding it harder to convince myself."
A pause, then from Jane...
"I think things like...would Mark come to Annie's funeral, and would Kelly make a big thing out of it?" Mark is Jane's best friend, and someone with whom Annie has had a major falling out with, but he still cares a lot about her.
"I think he would." - the fact that I responded so quickly and without hesitation is probably what scares me the most. Shouldn't I have been taking a moment to think what a fucked up conversation we were having? Shouldn't I have had a go at Jane for bringing up such a horrible thought? No, because I was relieved, or at least comforted that I wasn't the only one who hadn't thought about such an event. Jane was going through people interaction scenarios for Christ's sake, and I knew exactly how she felt.
I can't tell you how many times I've imagined Annie's funeral in my head. I'm not talking beginning to end, I'm just talking flashes here and there. And (ironically I've just been reading another one of my friend's having similar morbid thoughts) yes I have at times thought about what I'd say if I was giving a eulogy for her. It's usually at this point that I force myself to stop thinking about it.
Talking like this feels like giving up. We should be trying to help Annie, but it feels like we've resigned ourselves to the fact that we've done all we can, and it's all in the hands of Annie now, or fate. God knows there are times when the fact that she's woken up in the morning has been completely out of her hands. She has to want to be helped.
Annie, if you don't believe me I still believe in you.
..you're the one who's always bruised and broken
Sleep may be the enemy
But so's another line
It's a remedy
You should take more time
I understand the fascination
The dream that comes alive at night
But if you don't change your situation
Then you'll die, you'll die, don't die, don't die
Please don't die
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