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2003-01-16 - 1:38 a.m.

I am no longer willing to have to prove myself to someone who doesn't believe in me. If you want to call me because you need a friend, or because you want a friend, or because you're interested in my well being as much as I'm interested in yours then I'm all ears. If you want to call me so that you can sarcastically remark that it's good of me to even have answered your call, so that you can tell me how much you don't think we're friends anymore, so that you can suggest that I only care about people I'm sleeping with (which incidentally I've already been accused of and you know how much that hurts me), so you can suggest that when I'm busy at work and I say I'll call you later it really means I don't want to talk to you and if it was my girlfriend then I'd make the time, so that you can tell me that I'm full of shit, then don't bother.

As much as I shouldn't have to, I've tried to prove myself to you. You say why waste our time being friends when we don't talk or do anything together anyway? I ask if it slipped your mind that I spent Friday and Saturday night out with you- no not just you but there was a group of us out together and you and Jane were getting on fine and you and I were getting on fine and we were talking about our respective relationships and you asked me if I was happy and said that that is all you wanted to know. Or that I drove half an hour to just sit with you a few weeks ago when you needed someone there, and then drove another hour to help you and your Mum out. Or for all the times you've said that rather than pretend to be your friend I should just fuck off or that I'm full of shit or that I don't give a shit about you because I'm not sleeping with you I've never left you. Don't accuse me of leaving you when you're pushing me away.

You shut me out of your life for months earlier this year, but when you let me back in I was there with open arms. You say I used to be someone who understood you- you used to give me half a chance to understand you. But I can't understand how you could think I'm not your friend and I don't care about you after all I've done for you. How can you say I'm not interested if I'm not sleeping with someone? Have you blocked out every time I've shown I've cared? Have you blocked out all the times I just dropped by- I don't live around the corner I live halfway to Wollongong. Have you blocked out the look of utter despair and fear on my face when you told me what had happened that night in late August, do you have any idea how much it hurt me that I couldn't be there when you needed a friend?

I don't know why I'm still trying to prove myself to you when I said I was no longer willing. Maybe because when somebody means that much to you you can't just turn your back even if it's clear that nothing I do means anything anymore. I don't do things to prove myself, I do things because I care. Ask yourself if you care about me and my feelings- because if you did you wouldn't be accusing me of being all the things that other people are being and you're letting them get away with, and if you don't then obviously you were right all along and we aren't friends anymore.

If you don't believe me, I don't believe in you.

 

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