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2003-01-15 - 1:53 a.m.

The day after I went to Annie's old house in Campbelltown (ooh I forgot to mention I painted her garage door- I accidentally told my Dad about it and now he's determined to get me to do boy jobs around the house. I don't do boy jobs- I couldn't even tell the mechanic if my car was a V6) was my brother's 21st birthday. He's saving his party until people are over Christmas and New Year, but we had a family dinner and all that stuff. I had been SMSing Jane during the day- I can't remember what about exactly, and possibly I called her but I'm not sure.

Late afternoon or early evening I got this SMS:

"Hello. I like you. Just wanted you to know that. Enjoy your family thing"

I thought that was really sweet. I mean she would have known that I might have been slightly paranoid after our drunken talks in which I said I was happy for something more and she said she wasn't ready. I remember also the day after Boxing Day she rang me and said "I missed not talking to you over Christmas", although it had been like 4 days max. And then there was the time (possibly the night we had phone dramas with Annie) she turned to me and said:

"Why are you so...you?"

"Um... I guess it's all I know how to be."

"You should teach everyone to be like you."

She knows how to make a guy feel special.

Anyway, last Wednesday night she went out with Annie and some others for her friend Ken's birthday. They ended up drinking until all hours of the morning, and she didn't go to work the next day. I also went out that night but was home by the relatively tame hour of 1am.

I had drunken calls from both Annie and Jane throughout the night, and then Jane called me at about 4am (!) when she got home. We had been talking for a while when she said:

"Am I your girlfriend?"

"Is... do you want to be?"

"I've been thinking that's what I want."

She went on to concede that maybe in some of our other "talks" she had been playing down what was obviously there and playing up residual feelings for other people because she was scared and "I don't do this". And possibly she wanted to see if I would stay or go.

Over the course of the next day I was a bit freaked out at how everything had progressed- yes it was me who was pushing for it but I had resigned myself to the fact that Jane wasn't ready for a "relationship" per se and I should stop questioning things and looking for definitions and just go with it.

There's that saying that if you love somebody set them free, and... something about it being a good sign if they come back, but I can't remember the end bit. I love her, but I love all my friends. I can say "I love you" to Annie, Ellie and Cindy without a moment's hesitation, but I can't see myself using those words with Jane for a while. She's freaked out enough as it is.

"If this isn't love it's very close". This relationship was founded on honesty and I'm confident we'll keep it that way. I know this is where Jane wants to be right now because when it wasn't she told me as much. If she still had significant feelings for Mark or Carl then she wouldn't have gone ahead with it. I'm not suggesting she doesn't get a little... something... when she sees either of them- but I think the same will apply to me seeing Annie for a while yet. No I'm not in love with her, and I don't pretend to have as strong feelings for her as I did for Annie only months ago, but I love her dearly and she is a warm, wonderful, caring person and I couldn't be happier that she is my girlfriend.

 

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