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2002-12-23 - 9:21 p.m.

This is kinda part two of my last entry. I said there were a couple of things making me feel insecure and the questioning of even my platonic interest in Annie was one of them. The other one as you might guess is Jane.

I mentioned previously that I felt exposed and vulnerable having made my feelings known and leaving the ball in her court so to speak- but then have I made my feelings known? Do I even know them myself? Do I feel strongly for Jane or is it simply that after 17 months I feel ready to be in a relationship again and the fact that it is Jane that I'm currently "involved" with is irrelevant.

I posed the question to Cindy "how can I tell the difference?"

I know that I want to spend a lot of time around Jane. I know that I'm happy when I get SMSes and emails from her, when she calls, when I talk to her (though maybe the most recent time I talked to her I was feeling insecure rather than happy and was desperately trying to read her thoughts but you get that). Ellie pointed out a couple of weeks ago that I'd been talking about my situation but not so much *about* Jane. I don't know how valid a point that is- I'm not sure that when you're just letting things happen around you and you realise you like where they appear to be headed you then have to sit down and work out if it's the situation or the person you like.

I think it's a positive sign that when we started this we both were straight down the line and weren't making it out to be any more than it was yet now, a couple of months down the track, I'm feeling something more. That's the way things naturally develop- okay okay maybe a lot of people let their feelings develop first then sleep with someone but what I'm saying is that taking sex out of the equation my feelings for Jane have developed naturally, and I'm not talking about jumping into something that I haven't given any thought to.

So what do I like about Jane? The first thing I really liked about her was how much of an amazing friend she was to Annie, she was there for her as much as I wished I could have been, and more. She's a good person- that's the best way to describe it. For the most part she has the best of intentions in any given situation, although I think we found an exception to the rule last week which she identified and felt bad about and immediately went about trying to remedy

She has similar ideals and indeed rationalises things in much the same way I do. We found we were both fairly naive and tame in high school although she went through a wild phase for a while after that. I find her idiosyncracies amusing and endearing. She could spend an entire weekend watching "Fox Kids" and is the only person I know except perhaps for my sister who could sit through not only "Seventh Heaven" but that Olsen twins show "So Little Time", and she has a concerning obsession for the Power Puff girls.

She has reddish-brown hair with bright yellow streaks in it and has this look she does which seems to be both concealing and inviting mischief. Her favourite Beatles songs are "Revolution" for the overall sound and "The Ballad of John and Yoko" for the lyrics. Her favourite Smiths song is "Ask" and she requests it and has it played every time she goes to Club 77. Her favourite album of all time is "Lou Barlow plays Waterfront", her favourite band of all time is Sneeze (Tom Morgan in particular) and her favourite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street". Her favourite colours are pink and orange but her favourite greeting is "yellow". She hasn't cleaned her room in the two months that I've been frequenting there. If you offer to buy her a drink her invariable response is "surprise me" but if she buys me a drink it will be a schooner half-filled with Old and half-filled with New unless I specify otherwise.

I'm not in love with her but I think I've convinced myself that I do want to be with her "here and now not forever". It's strange- I never could have imagined the situation that I'm in right now- that I'm pretty much waiting for her go ahead ("waiting on your green light"), because I always thought that it would be my feelings for Annie that would prevent anything serious happening with anyone else.

I'm not going over the top or anything, I just think it would be nice is all- and you can rest assured I'm approaching with plenty of caution and aforethought because I think I've hurt enough people for one year.

 

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