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2002-12-22 - 8:16 p.m.
I hate to admit this but I have a jealous and possessive side to me. It's not something that would ever manifest itself in the way I act, it's just that at times like this when I'm trying to work out my feelings for someone, I start getting intimidated and envious of the time they spend talking to other people. It's nothing more than a trickle of a feeling inside my mind, I would never actually get possessive of anyone or act jealous, but it's there.
Last night Jane and I were at (hmmm, random pseudonym...) Carl's party. He is a pretty good friend of mine, someone that Jane once asked out and who I think she still has some feelings for. Actually the links don't stop there, but I won't go there. He never returned said feelings but they are pretty close friends in that they talk a lot. At the end of the night (about 4-5am) I had passed out in the lounge room while Jane and Carl stayed up talking until about 8am. For some reason that intimidates me. I don't know- I'm just feeling kinda exposed and vulnerable at the moment, because I pretty much told Jane exactly how I felt about her in that if this was to progress to something more defined or "official" I would have no problem with that, so now the ball's in her court.
Yes we had the "what are we" talk in which Jane said there were things she had to sort out, one of them being residual feelings for Carl. Another I guess obviously would be how exactly she does feel about me. Another is "this is where I usually run away"- she's never been in an actual relationship per se before. I myself have only been in one. I told her that I'm quite happy to continue the way we are but that I wanted her to know that from my side there was nothing stopping us "getting together"- not anymore.
We also talked about how both of us found ourselves trying not to say too much about our issues at various times with Annie, even though we understand each others problems with her better than anyone else could- simply because we want to make the point that that doesn't define us. Yes we were brought together by the fact that we were Annie's two closest friends and were there for her a lot during some bad times, but Annie doesn't define Jane and I- not anymore- and we are both wary of that.
I made sure that Jane knew that I had no real desire to be with Annie anymore- that that should not be seen as getting in the way of anything that might happen between us because all my issues with Annie recently have been about trying to save our friendship, not about me wanting to be any more than friends with her. In some ways Annie will always be more than a friend, even as "just friends" our frienship has always been so intense- in a way I'm glad it's Jane that I'm having these feelings of wanting to progress with and not some other girl, because I don't know if anyone else could understand and tolerate how close Annie and I are (then of course there is Ellie and I as well as Cindy and I)- I mean look what I was saying about how it makes me feel when people I'm interested in are close to other guys. But in that poem I wrote a few entries ago when I said "I don't want you anymore but I love you anyway"- that pretty much sums up how I feel about Annie now. I honestly don't want to be anything more than friends with her, but I think there will always be something about the way I feel about her that sets it apart from all my other friendships. I guess only time will tell.
I've really surprised myself with the way my feelings for Jane have been developing- I never expected to feel this way. If anything when we started out our "arrangement" I felt comforted by the fact that we were mutual in not having feelings for each other, because with Cindy while we tried to conduct things on the basis of a physical extension to our platonic relationship, it became obvious that she had stronger feelings for me at times. Yet the fact that Jane had never really thought of me as more than a friend and that was the basis with which we started this has come back to haunt me.
Annie and I appear to have worked out our problems- and it wasn't a case of her suddenly deciding everything was okay and me welcoming her back with open arms. I was more than ready to fight for our friendship, and I did. Those emails I included in my last entry- they were basically an invitation for Annie to pull her head out, realise I care about her and show me that it means something to her. I needed her to make an effort and not just turn my questions back on me, and she did. I'm not going to say what she wrote to me because I told her I wouldn't forward it to anyone (she obviously had Jane in mind) but she took down her defences and actually wrote me a constructive email. Went from accusations to "I feel like" and "it feels like", which was helpful, and began with "okay this is really really difficult for me to say but this is the problem". I'm going around to her place tomorrow night to give her her Christmas present- I'm really glad we sorted this out in time for Christmas.