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2002-12-20 - 12:53 a.m.

Series of emails (after I tried the old "send Annie a forward that I send everyone else and just see what her response is)....


Stop emailing me. We are not friends.

....and you know perfectly well why.


>Just don't try telling me I'm leaving you like everyone else because I'm

>still here I haven't gone anywhere and I still want to be your friend. But

>if you don't want me as your friend then there's nothing I can do.


>i dont know what is going on with us.

>i felt like you were ignoring me on tuesday night. you couldnt even look me

>in the face.

>i dont know what the deal is here, or what you think ive done to you, but

>when you want to go back to normal and be my friend you let me know.


I want to try, if you'll let me (for a start if I am allowed to email you).

Let me explain Tuesday night. For starters I was looking at you a lot- Jane noticed it as well. Okay I wasn't looking you straight in the eye but that's because it felt like you didn't want to talk to me and I was trying to suss out if we were okay or not. I'm not accusing you of not wanting to talk to me, I'm just saying that's how it felt when you met us on the street, talked to Jane, hugged her, I said "hey" or "hi" or something and you didn't respond. I didn't know how to talk to you after that because I didn't know how you'd react). When I was talking about things I'd been doing- something about having $100 to spend on Xmas at work- I wasn't talking directly to Jane, I was attempting to make conversation and not leave you out but you didn't see it that way. I did directly address you with some lame joke like saying "yellow" and pointing to your t-shirt, once again nothing meaningful but trying to show you I *was* aware that you were there. The only words you said to me all night were "Stevie Nicks". Now obviously I felt like you were ignoring me and you felt I was ignoring you- there's no point arguing who is right and who is wrong, but if you're serious when you say "when you want to go back to normal and be my friend you let me know" then I hope you'll take this as me letting you know. If you're not willing to accept that I'm genuine then I don't know what else to do, but you've asked me to let you know when I want to be your friend- I'm letting you know: now, tomorrow, yesterday, as long as I've known you, as long as I will know you. Now you have to let me know if you're going to let me be your friend, not just turn the question around on me.

I might add- in terms of you feeling like I was ignoring you- that it felt like you were preoccupied with whoever you were SMSing, and besides that looking you in the eye just made me angry because I'm sick of people hurting you and treating you like shit and when I put all my effort into trying to be a friend who will never hurt you and always care about you over myself it hurts and it makes me angry when I'm the one having to answer for things that I don't even know what they are. You say "i dont know what the deal is here, or what you think ive done to you", which seems to be my question, because you're the one who is accusing me of trying to prove some point, or lying or pretending to be your friend. So instead of asking me what I think you've done to me, when I've never accused you of doing anything to me, can you try and answer my question and tell me what it is I've done to you? Please. I'm not having a go at you I just honestly want to know- is it Jane? Is it something completely different?

As I've said, there's not much I can do if you're not going to believe me anyway- so all I ask is for you to think about all the time I've known you, and everything we've been through, and all the times that I've been there for you unconditionally, and everything that we share that nobody can take away and things that we can talk about and other people will just look perplexed and shake their heads ("the rest of you can just rattle their jewellry") and believe that I'm not lying and that I've always been there, still am, and intend to keep my promise that I always will be if you'll let me.

I'm serious about trying to fix whatever is wrong with us Annie- all I'm asking right now is that you try to respond to this without cracking it at me, or turning my questions back on me. I hate fighting but I'd like to think that what we have is something worth fighting for and you're not going to give up and tell me "we are not friends and you know why" because I honestly don't know why, and I want us to fix it.


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