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2002-12-05 - 8:26 p.m.

I wrote this after the last time I virtually lost contact with Annie for three months. I came to a point where I was resigned to the fact that there was not much point caling her, and that she would call me if she wanted to talk to me. I think to some extent she was protecting me, but when we finally started getting close again I felt awful for not being there for her. Truth is there was probably not much I could do, and in a way I appreciate what she did but it really hurt at the time. When I stayed with her last Sunday I felt I'd come a long way, and it felt good that I could help. I don't know what has happened since then but I know I'm starting to feel like I'm going to have to resign myself to waiting for her to come back to me again.

It's not that I can't go on without her as a friend- it's just that I don't want to do that. And she is so afraid of everyone close to her leaving her she doesn't realise she is pushing them away. So many times she has pleaded with me never to change, never to go anywhere, never leave her, and it didn't even take a second for me to assure her that I wouldn't. So what do I do when she's trying to push me away? I don't want her to think she was right that I would leave like everyone else, I told her I wouldn't give up on her but I can't keep calling her if she doesn't appear to want to talk to me. I know her, I know she'll come back but in the meantime she shouldn't be treating me this way. I want to still be here when she comes back, but I'm starting to wonder if I can, and at what price to myself?

"I don't want to stay but I can't bear to leave"

The poem below I called "Waiting On a Friend", title shamelessly stolen from a Ben Harper song, words showing obvious Bono, Neil Finn and Freedman influences. Some of it I'm pretty proud of, but I'm still embarrassed. It's not my forte.



Tell me where to stand

And I'll stop you from falling

Tell me where you're going

And I'll be waiting for you

When I touch you

You'll feel nothing

When you touch me

I'll feel nothing else

Is the you I know

The you I'll see

Next time around?

When you disappear from me

I'm not even sure

I'll see you again

I lost myself inside you

You lost yourself

I didn't know

If I could find you

I almost let you go

But you were still inside of me

And you came back

Or I did

And I'll never go of you again

And I'll never let you come to any harm

And I'll never let you suffer any pain

And I'll never stop you following your dreams

Though I'm one of many haunted by your charm

And I remember every second

And I remember every word

And I can see you smiling in the dark

And I can feel my fingers in your hair

And I can hear you telling me you love me

But you're not there


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