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2002-12-04 - 11:41 p.m.

Am I not stubborn enough? Is my heart too open?

I just feel hopeless right now. In the last week I've been fighting with two of my closest friends. In one case I've tried to be the stubborn one for once, I know how we work- she says something, I take offence, she takes more offence, we both concede very little and then when she's over I just decide I might as well be too since what's the point in fighting? I feel this ultimately compromises my principles, as very little gets resolved, she's used to saying things in the heat of the moment and then getting over it and forgetting about it- bringing it up just gets her going again so if I want things to keep going smoothly I'm better off leaving well enough alone.

At least in these situations I know what's going on- whether or not I think it was warranted, at least I know what's caused her to get upset, and I certainly know what's caused me to. It is, for all intents and purposes, a mutual fight, and it's probably easier to work with. I guess it's also easier to work with because I'm not afraid of fighting with her. And that's not because I care more about Annie than Cindy, and thus am more okay fighting with Cindy- it's because Cindy is an expert at flying off the handle, calming down and getting on with things- I fight because I hope it might acheive something, or if it doesn't it won't take anything away. We'll say some things that we need to say, even if the each of us is too stubborn to listen at the time, and then we'll move on.

I'm so scared of fighting with Annie because it's harder to earn her trust than it is to join MENSA and she's constantly looking for reasons not to trust people. It's sad because there are so many people that care about her yet in her tortured mind nobody cares. Of course it hurts her, the idea that nobody cares, but imagine how those closest to her feel when you give your all to show her you care and it has no impact.

It's not that it has no impact- it's just that the impact is lost when she gets like that. When I stayed with her a couple of weeks ago she appreciated it, she thanked me, yet now it seems forgotten. I don't think I ever did mention the belated 21st present I gave her. I made her cry. I put together a book of quotes and pictures that represented the Annie that I knew- Beatles quotes, Buffy quotes (yes there are some things that she holds dear that I might not be quite as enthused about :), Neil Finn quotes... on the front page I had a picture of her and wrote "For Annie, so that you'll never forget who you are", and then a picture of the two of us followed by "and so that you'll never forget I'll always be there for you". By the time I'd made it I was almost too attached to it to give it up.

See at times like that I don't doubt she knows that I care, and that it means a lot to her, but then a week later it might mean nothing. She couldn't believe I remembered all the references I included, and she couldn't believe that someone would do something like that for her. Because essentially she doesn't think she's worth it.

I don't even know why it is that she's upset at me. Possibly the Jane situation, but then I can't fathom that she can sort things out with Jane but not me, when the problem as I saw it was that she had a big fight with Jane and it spilled over to us, not the other way round. That there is stuff happening with Jane in the first place she's never seemed to have a problem with it.

But I know how she works. I know if I call her she'll just be cold, distant and abrupt, but if I don't she'll get it in her head that I don't care- I'm just another person leaving her. I got to a point early this year when I knew I just couldn't call her because I didn't know how she'd take me, or even who she'd be, I had to work on the basis of if she wanted to talk to me then she'd call me. I don't want to work with that because I'm afraid of what I might find out.

I know how this ends. She needs someone to turn to, she feels alone and helpless, and she calls me because deep down she knows I'm always there for her. I hear her voice, I hear the helplessness in it, I'm just happy to be hearing from her again, and no matter how much she's hurt me, there's no way I'm not going to be there for her when she needs me. "When you talk to me I forget the pain you put me through". And then we're back to normal. I don't want to keep going that way.

I'm starting to worry about how much more their is to our friendship than me knowing what to say to her when she's upset. I'm afraid I'm in love with part of a person. There are sides to her that I don't like- there are sides I don't even know. It's different to having a friend who has certain aspects you don't like. It's more like there is a switch that turns Annie from the Annie that I love to one I don't know. Some of my other friends there are things about them that bug me all the time and things about them that I love all the time. It's a hell of a lot easier to cope with.

"Is the you I know the you I'll see next time around?"

That's from something I wrote, I might try to find the rest of it sometime.

I don't know what to do anymore. It shouldn't hurt so much to care about someone.


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