2002-12-02 - 2:25 a.m.

Grrr, damn formatting- guess that's what happens when you cut and paste. I apologise if those last three entries were a bit hard to read. The most recent one refers to my night on Friday. I thought it was a fairly neutral take on my side of a story, but what I got back was vitriol and contempt. I thought once I explained my point of view she might concede that she was drawing conclusions about my priorities too quickly, and maybe venture an apology. I understand where she was coming from, I only hope she sees where I was coming from now.

I didn't live up to her expectations. I accept that. For that I'm sorry- I do feel like I am indebted to her a lot for July and August last year, but the thing was I was thinking that on Friday night, and wanting to give something back, so I was enquiring after her, but in hindsight it was too little too late in her eyes. How was I supposed to know?

But as for the idea of me ignoring a friend in need in favour of a shag- that goes against the whole fabric of my existence. I felt so guilty on Sunday night when I did in fact stop over at Jane's for half an hour before going over to see a distressed Annie, but the fact was I was already on the way to Jane's house when she called in tears. So to accuse me of ignoring one of my closest friends for a "shag" is not saying much for someone's opinion of me.

For a start I resent Jane being referred to as a "shag". She is a friend, and a good one at that. There was a period of time when I was facing Jane and talking to her directly and saying nothing to Cindy for about 5 minutes, but these things happen. It wasn't because she was my shag, it was because we had both had a pretty upsetting few days and we had both been through the same thing, and we were discussing it. For the most part though I was concentrating on the band(s). I'm sure even Cindy won't even begrudge me paying undue attention to her semi-celebrity namesake *swoon* :) I was watching a band I love with two friends that I love and an acquaintance I hadn't seen in a very long time. I was enjoying myself. I didn't realise Cindy was hurting until the damage had been done. I had already proven myself unworthy.

But nothing excuses the way she treated me simply because she was upset with me. Especially given that she knew exactly what I was talking about, and was- though I didn't realise at the time- directly responsible for not only the content (I knew that bit) but the timing of the call. Her name was mentioned, yes, but I wasn't about to grill her for details, I was simply making conversation, filling her in on what had just happened because that has been our dynamis for over a year. And because she was distant, and I knew she had something on her mind, and I wanted to connect even though not through addressing whatever the issue might have been.

"How could I tell you when you were the problem?"

Fair call but still no excuse for the contempt she showed me.

I read her in here and I can't be angry at her because I understand. But that's not the point. I'm angry because she doesn't know how to say she's sorry or she did the wrong thing or she overreacted or she misread the situation. That I can do. That I did do. It's ironic- so often I'm calm and peacemaking on the outside but cut up and angry on the inside... it feels like inside she knows but outside she's too stubborn. She knows she has hurt me but I don't get apologies I get justifications. You don't need to justify yourself because I know you. You're paranoid I don't know you anymore and that all along there was less to us than met the eye but you're wrong- I do virtually know you inside out and the suggestion that I don't care hurts and offends me. That's so often the story with Annie too. She won't believe how much someone can care. I put so much of my time and my effort and my heart and my soul into showing that I care and sometimes it feels like it's for nothing. I don't know what it is I have to do to prove myself.

I don't need to know why you said what you said or did what you did because I know. It doesn't make it right, but I understand where you were coming from and given the circumstances surrounding it I'm not half as hurt or angry by the actual comment as I was. But I can't handle it when you ask me "what did I say?"- how can you not even remember something that turned my night on it's head?

When I put it to you that you said you didn't care and that hurt me, you went on to tell me why it was you didn't care. Isn't that missing the point? I never asked you to take back what you said- if you didn't care then you didn't, I don't want you to insincerely say "I didn't mean it". I just want to hear you say you're sorry.

"You've fallen again, no need to explain...it's all over your face again"

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