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2002-12-02 - 2:12 a.m.

You can't expect me to read your mind. You told me about your close call and

that you were still shaking, but then you started talking about other stuff

like your Media Pass and Homebake and you sounded fine how am I supposed to

know? Then you told me he was at gig in Adelaide, and I saw you sending a few messages, and then you said you were going to make a phone call. So when I finally thought you'd been gone a bit long and wondered where you

were I guessed you were talking to him, seeing as it was between sets, just some dodgy blues duo, you miss him.

So you come back, I ask if you're okay and you snapped back, obviously in

hindsight because you were already upset at me for not coming to find you.

Why should I be so presumptuous as to think you were upset at me? I'm not

that arrogant. I thought you were missing him- he was at a gig without

you, you were at a gig without him, both bands make you think of each other. I wanted to give something back because you were always there for me with Ellie, but I know you might not always want to talk about stuff to do with you and him because of our history. So I put 2 and 2 together, you disappearing, you sending SMSes, you snapping at me that you were okay even though it was obvious you weren't, I had a companion with me, I thought you were lonely and missing your boyfriend and I didn't want to push the issue because you made it clear you didn't want to talk about it. How am I supposed to know that I was completely off the mark and you were upset about something else and needed me there? You didn't let me be there for you.

So you're sitting there, feeling a bit removed, I'm not sure what to say to

you because you're obviously not 100% but not wanting to talk, then Ellie calls. I make a flippant remark that I knew you didn't really care about

but I was just trying to talk to you like I usually do.

"I-don't-care. Keep it between you and Ellie. I don't care"

You wonder why I didn't come and look for you later. I was so angry I didn't want to look at you let alone talk to you, I wanted to leave before the gig had finished. It doesn't matter that what I was talking about might have been

boring-me-talking-about-the-same-stuff-he-always-talks-about, it's the

fact that you so coldly told me you simply didn't care. And then you had the

nerve to accuse me of not talking to you, and only being interested in a

shag.

For your information I had other stuff on my mind too- so by your reasoning

I shouldn't have cared what had been going on in your life anyway. Jane and I

had both had big fights with Annie, and then to top it off Ellie has another

paranoid "tell me where you stand with Jane" moment when it's

completely okay for her to tell all about her sex life, and make sure I know that this was the first time she's really enjoyed sex, good for her.

I was really happy to see you on both Thursday and Friday Cindy- do you know

how much it hurt me to hear you say you didn't care, let alone insinuate

that all I cared about was a shag. Especially when I already have Annie

insinuating that sleeping with her best friend is a REALLY good way to show

I care about her, well what am I supposed to do, I've loved her almost as

long as I've known her, she knows she could have had me anytime, but when I

try to deal with the fact that we'll never be what I want us to be and move on she makes me feel guilty.

I deliberately didn't go anywhere near you later, or say goodbye, I wasn't being preoccupied or thoughtless. I was thinking about you, and how much you'd hurt and insulted me. I'm sorry that you needed me and I wasn't there, but I have feelings too and I'm having them crushed from every angle at the moment. You guys are supposed to be the 3 closest friends I have and all I'm feeling right now is that I have to justify myself, and prove myself worthy as a friend. That's what I try to do every waking hour and it just feels like it's not enough for anyone. I'm sick of being taken for granted.

 

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