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2002-12-02 - 1:36 p.m.

"If you felt guilty then why did you still do it?"

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What the fuck is your problem? I have tried and tried and you continue to astound, disappoint and downright hurt me. I asked you never to judge me for anything to do with Annie. I thought you of all people understood. How dare you suggest that I don't care enough about her to drop everything I'm doing and be with her? How do you think Jane would have felt if I was on the way to taking her home and then I said "okay gotta go now". In fact when she Annie asked me could I please come over I was in Jane's room. How would you have felt when stuff was happening between us if you had come over to my place one day and I'd said "sorry, Annie needs me"? I love Annie so much but I can only give so much- she is not the only person in my life. And even with what I do give it often goes unrecognised. I went over there, and made sure she didn't fucking die and stayed with her til 3 o clock in the fucking morning and then got 4 fucking hours sleep and went to work. I rang her at 7.30am on the way to work I rang her when I got home, I made sure Jane was with her that night then I went around there the next day. And you have the nerve to have a go at me for finishing what I was doing so to speak first?

I told you this was the last straw. I am fed up with you responding to perfectly reasonable emails with self-righteous sarcastic dribble, and now you respond to a diary entry that I know you read with something so audacious and hurtful I just don't understand you anymore and have lost all respect for you. My last entry was about how I couldn't be angry at you because reading your diary I could see how much you were hurting, it's just that I couldn't help but be angry because you refused to concede you might have overreacted and refused to apologise.

When I read you I see your thoughts, unadulterated by the stubborness that says you can't concede anything to me. And it makes me want to be your friend again.

I thought I understood you but nothing explains what you just wrote. I confided in you about what Annie had been through this year, you of all people knew how much I was or tried to be there for her. I've never read anything so hurtful, conceited, arrogant, self-righteous and misinformed. I don't understand you at all anymore and I'm starting to wonder if I ever want to.

"Patience is like bread I say- I ran out of that yesterday"

 

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