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2002-12-01 - 1:55 a.m.

This going around in circles has got to stop. It just doesn't seem fair that you are able to happily go into the intimate details of your sex life, yet when I tell you what's going on in mine I'm greeted with insecurity and paranoia. I want you to know that I'm not keeping anything from you- any differences in what I sense and what other people see is purely because I haven't worked it out myself yet. I do know that my feelings for Jane are stronger than they were a month, or even two weeks ago, but I also know that that probably has a lot to do with the fact that she is the only one who can truly understand and sympathise with me about what I've been through with Annie. Okay so she's not in love with her, but as her two closest friends we both know how much it hurts when you put so much effort into showing her how much she means to you and still finding she doesn't believe anyone cares. And because of that she ends up treating us harshly because subconsciously she doesn't believe in herself enough to think that anyone would care what she does.

I'm going off track. I guess what I'm saying is that (as much as you mightn't want to hear it) I'm in a similar position to that which I was in with Cindy- okay my heart doesn't/didn't skip a beat when they walked in the room but everything else removed I might have given something more a try because why not- it feels kinda right? Well the why not in both cases was that I was in love with someone else and in the case of Cindy there was the fact that you two were so close. Neither was or is an option due to circumstances beyond their control.

I guess I just want you to believe me when I say I'll always be straight down the line about this one, and I don't want to feel like yet another one of my friends thinks I have something to answer for...


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