2002-12-01 - 1:52 a.m.

If you're still mad at me I understand, I just wanted to say whatever

we need to do to be back to normal I just want to do it. Or try. I seem to

have a talent for getting myself into difficult situations, and I don't

really know what else I can say about it other than I want you to believe

how much I care about you and that I don't want you to think I'm lying to

you. You know I love you and that I've always felt stronger feelings for

you that just my best friend, but I don't want to be just another one of

these guys that freaks you out by being too full on, so I feel like I'm

accepting where we are and moving on. Okay so it's a bizarre situation and

I accept that the way things are at the moment if you have a fight with Jane

it carries over to being angry at me because chances are she's said

something about it to me, but it's something I feel comfortable with right

now so long as it doesn't come between our (ie yours and mine) friendship.

What we have as friends makes me so happy but I can't wait for something that

can probably never happen so I have to get on with my life in that respect.

I've never cared so much for anyone ever as I care about you Annie, you're

my best friend and I'll always be there for you and I always want to know

that you're okay, and I love dropping round once a week just to sit in your

room and talk to you. I don't think I've ever lied to you- it seems a bit

silly spelling out every time I stay with Jane, so maybe it seemed to you

like I was hiding things or occasions from you or something, but I wasn't.

And I felt horrible knowing that Paul was probably moving to Melbourne and

I knew full well that you'd find out anyway but I just couldn't say anything because in my mind I can't justify being the one to tell you something that I know will upset you a lot. I hope you don't see that as me hiding things from you. I'm sorry.

I'm not going to stop what is going on with Jane at the moment just because

she is your best friend, but there is truly nothing that scares me more

than losing you as a friend, so I just want us to try to work out whatever

tension there is. I guess you'll be reading this on Monday which is my last

day at work for 2 weeks- I'm going to ring you and I'm prepared for you to

still be mad at me but I want to start to fix this as soon as I can.

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