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2002-12-01 - 1:52 a.m.
If you're still mad at me I understand, I just wanted to say whatever
we need to do to be back to normal I just want to do it. Or try. I seem to
have a talent for getting myself into difficult situations, and I don't
really know what else I can say about it other than I want you to believe
how much I care about you and that I don't want you to think I'm lying to
you. You know I love you and that I've always felt stronger feelings for
you that just my best friend, but I don't want to be just another one of
these guys that freaks you out by being too full on, so I feel like I'm
accepting where we are and moving on. Okay so it's a bizarre situation and
I accept that the way things are at the moment if you have a fight with Jane
it carries over to being angry at me because chances are she's said
something about it to me, but it's something I feel comfortable with right
now so long as it doesn't come between our (ie yours and mine) friendship.
What we have as friends makes me so happy but I can't wait for something that
can probably never happen so I have to get on with my life in that respect.
I've never cared so much for anyone ever as I care about you Annie, you're
my best friend and I'll always be there for you and I always want to know
that you're okay, and I love dropping round once a week just to sit in your
room and talk to you. I don't think I've ever lied to you- it seems a bit
silly spelling out every time I stay with Jane, so maybe it seemed to you
like I was hiding things or occasions from you or something, but I wasn't.
And I felt horrible knowing that Paul was probably moving to Melbourne and
I knew full well that you'd find out anyway but I just couldn't say anything because in my mind I can't justify being the one to tell you something that I know will upset you a lot. I hope you don't see that as me hiding things from you. I'm sorry.
I'm not going to stop what is going on with Jane at the moment just because
she is your best friend, but there is truly nothing that scares me more
than losing you as a friend, so I just want us to try to work out whatever
tension there is. I guess you'll be reading this on Monday which is my last
day at work for 2 weeks- I'm going to ring you and I'm prepared for you to
still be mad at me but I want to start to fix this as soon as I can.