2002-09-28 - 10:54 p.m.

Arggh!

I opened this diary a few months ago with excerts from the opening page of "The Great Gatsby" by F. Scott Fitzgerald, in which I compared myself to Nick Carraway, the eternal middle man. Amongst the exert was "...a habit which has opened up many curious naturesto me and also made me the victim of not a few veteran bores".

Further down the page, after professing his neutrality and ability to reserve judgement, he says "And, after boasting this way of my tolerance, I come to the admission that it has a limit. Conduct may be founded on the hard rock or the wet marshes, but after a certain point I don't care what it's founded on".

I think Caddie nearly tipped me over the edge last night. When she gave me a lift home two weeks ago and talked my ear off I was happy to listen, I figured she was probably missing a bit of that in her life. The subject matter was a bit contentious- I felt she had delusions of granduer when it come to her standing with some of her idols. Last night she proved beyond doubt that she is paranoid delusional and while that is not something I should make light of, it was driving me absolutely crazy.

When I speak of idols, once again I went to see a band that I am fairly habitual with last night. It was a good gig- again, but afterwards Caddie was convinced that every move one of two people in the band made was a sign to her, and then proceeded to vent her frustration over the fact that they wouldn't just come over and talk to her and tell her what they were thinking.

When you socialise with people you have a deep professional admiration for you tread a fine line between enjoying their company and taking things too personally. At least as a (last time I checked) heterosexual male who's idols are predominantly the same gender (or in one case opposite gender, opposite persuasion, so it still isn't worth thinking about) I have considerable less reason to be hurt. Having said that, I do profess a deep professional admiration for the charismatic leader of said band- we get along really well and I value meaningful conversations with him. But you tread a fine line when you confuse such interactions with friendship. This is something I have never let myself do.

Caddie on the other hand was convinced that half the band wanted to take her home, and that a wayward glance or an action as simple as telling a member of the road crew they were going to move on and continue drinking was in fact a sign or invitation to her. We were sitting at a table in a pub, and she couldn't understand why the musicians wouldn't come over and talk to us, despite the fact that they were otherwise engaged in conversation. I suggest that it is because we are fans, not friends.

Having said that, when I was sitting by myself Mr Charisma came over and started talking to me, totally unprovoked. One of the things I like about him is his ability to be completely down-to-earth and genuine, unlike a close friend of his whom I used to have a lot more respect for. So we were talking, catching up, exchanging small talk when Caddie comes back and cries incredulously "you're in my seat!". So he quickly vacated it and left. This appeared to hurt her, she thought this was a good way to start a conversation, but was now worried he thought she was being obnoxious.

She then began to implore me to go over to the bar under some pretense and determine the situation, or apologise for her or something. In the end I did, but more because I had been enjoying my conversation before I was so rudely interrupted. So I ended up having a really interesting conversation (in which he began by saying he would have talked to me more before if he hadn't been sent packing- I was a little more diplomatic when I "reported back" to her, lying that he hadn't mentioned her rather than admitting he thought she was obnoxious).

I think the purpose of this entry (apart from to vent my frustration about my veteran bore) is to say I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to profess such professional admirations, and I don't see the point in acting like you're too cool for one of your idols if you recognise that an idol is what they are. I am not in any way cool. I like to approach musicians after gigs if my mood or theirs is right, but I know full well they can sense I am in awe of them, and while in the case in question we have a pretty good dynamic happening, I am but a humble and appreciative fan.

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