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2002-09-23 - 12:16 a.m.

I kinda feel like writing in here but I haven't had that much to say recently. Or when I have I haven't been inspired. The last time I wrote was after I went out with people I'd worked with at the Entertainment Centre.

I can't say I've done very much since then, just worked really. I have a breezy week at work next week- back on Wednesday (today was my first day off), yet another training course on Thursday (although I'll help out in the lab from about 6am-8am), work on Friday, and then (as I'm owed it from heaps of training courses I did when I should have been at home) I'm taking Saturday, Sunday and Monday in lieu (that's a fancy way of saying woohoo not going to work next weekend), making six straight days off in all.

It's my birthday next Sunday and I kind of feel tragic organising things for it, I get paranoid that I'm only doing it to feel important, ie if I don't do something for my birthday who's going to remember? That said, the Ent. Cent. mob specifically said I should do something, so I shouldn't feel to paranoid. On Friday I'm going to a gig so I'm going to organise something beforehand, drinks, cocktails (yes the latter is a subset of the former), something.

I got very nervous and paranoid about mentioning my birthday to Annie. I didn't send her a group email about getting together Friday or Saturday because she has a thing about crowds and she wouldn't come- I understand that, it doesn't upset me (except that I'd like her to be there), so why send her an email for something she can't go to- I'd feel even more like I was ensuring she wouldn't forget. I could imagine getting really hurt if she didn't remember though, but the idea of slipping it into conversation downright embarrasses me.

I even felt like I had an ulterior motive when I talked to her best friend Jane, in part to thank her for being able to talk to her about my concerns for Annie, and of course because she is always there for her, but also because I want to include Annie in something, and knowing she can't be a part of Friday or Saturday I thought maybe drinks with her and Jane at some point would be something she'd be comfortable with.

And then I was talking to Annie on the phone tonight and out of the blue she says "it's your birthday soon...what do you want?" So of course I felt like an idiot. It's just that with everyone else I guess I can second guess myself (hmm that sounds like it should be a Lucksmiths line) and say the only reason I'm organising stuff is to feel important but deep down I know that's not true- it's because my idea of a fun birthday is to be around friends dammit. But with Annie I know full well how hurt I'd be if she didn't remember and I didn't want to take the chance- in the end I didn't have to because she brought it up.

Here's another Lucksmith-esque line for you- I think I think too much.


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