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2002-08-18 - 9:08 p.m.

I don't feel anything right now. I'm not sure what that means, or if I'm happy about it. I feel like writing but I don't really have anything to write. I've had a cold for the last 3 days, and it's drained me of inspiration and left me apathetic. Mind you I don't feel any negative feelings either.

I'm not angry anymore, as Ani DiFranco sings (she's also prone to singing "Fuck you" so she obviously has her ups and downs). Is this the point in my diary where I start making up really dodgy aliases? I talked to my friend Cindy for the first time in over a week tonight (ooh she's going to kill me for that one). Both of us were battling colds and didn't have *that* much to say, but we're okay. Onward and upward, or something.

And I talked to Ellie yesterday as well. She was left in no doubt that there's no tension between us when she got 3 missed calls on her phone from me ;) Why did I call? Because I felt like talking to her. I think a week is about the longest we haven't spoken in almost 2 years, and it was for no other reason than that I needed time to myself. It was also the longest time I hadn't spoken to Cindy in a year. Throw me into the equation and that's the "3-ringed circus sideshow" I was talking about the other day. Only now I say it not out of anger or frustration, just a little tongue-in-cheek. Hey, I love my family too but they're the biggest freakin' circus sideshow I know :)

Outside the circle there's Annie, who I had dinner with on Tuesday. I phoned her on Sunday night after the latest drama and told her to feel special because she was the only person I felt like talking to at the time. So we organised dinner for Tuesday, at which time I needed a change in scenery like nothing else, but even that had it's moments. We've had our moments, but things have been feeling very constant recently. So I was a little unsettled by her dark mood when I greeted her, but as the evening moved on I was heartened to see her cheering up before my eyes, and when I left and she held her arms out to hug me I felt like everything was okay.

Wednesday and Thursday were in between days, mainly work, a few SMSs to and from Ellie, a few emails trying to work out whether the next time I saw Cindy we'd be holding knives or roses. By Friday I was ready to move on, and on another front I was blown away simply by the idea of having drinks with 50% of a Jury Panel I'd been in for 5 weeks over 3 months ago. Our own "Big Brother" I've always thought. Truth be told I don't really think I fit in with that group, but it's a great feeling to know you can get something as positive as a bond of friendship between people who have shared such a unique experience out of something as negative as sending a guy to gaol for two years.

Also the last two nights I've resisted the temptation to join the usual suspects roadtripping up and down the coast (well about an hour either way) to see a band I've seen 55 times before, and I kind of feel better for that decision (even if it was partially dictated by having other plans on Friday and feeling like death warmed up last night)- it contributed to my feeling of breaking cycles.

So I found something to talk about after all. Maybe I wasn't really feeling nothing, maybe I was just suffering from writers block. I'm feeling relieved, relieved that this week is over to some extent, but mainly just reading over what I've just written I feel like I have a lot more to feel positive about than I do to feel negative about. Now if this damn cold would just go away...

____________________________________

"I'd like to do a top five records that make you feel nothing at all...

Me, I'll be playing the Beatles when I get home. 'Abbey Road' probably, although I'll programme the CD player to skip out "Something". The Beatles were bubblegum cards and 'Help!' at the Saturday morning cinema and toy plastic guitars and singing "Yellow Submarine" at the top of my voice in the back row of the coach on school trips. They belong to me, not to me and Laura, or me and Charlie, or me and Alison Ashworth, and though they'll make me feel something, they won't make me feel anything bad"

(from "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornby)

 

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